My body

TW: body image

In this time when body sizes have become a trend yet again, I have been pondering my body and what I want to matter to me in regards to my body.

When I was in middle school, I had a very small frame from genetics. I felt hyper aware of my body like any 13 year old unfortunately often is. That year felt big for me, I was singing “Part of Me” by Katy Perry in the graduation talent show with my best friend (choreography and all) and I was already brainstorming how to decorate my new locker in high school. So you can see my disappointment, when to my chagrin, after sitting down to flip through my yearbook after a day of signatures, I happened upon the signature of a boy from my history class who had simply written one word, “Eat.”

I wish the phrase “sticks and and stones may break my bones but words may never hurt me” applied here. I read it and felt an instant caving into myself. A feeling of shame for something beyond my control. I knew that the curves that were desired by the girls my age at the time were something that I lacked. And now I knew that others were aware of it. I felt embarrassed. I ate a balanced diet and I would still get a little extra chat at the doctors to make sure I had a diet suitable for my age, which I did.

This insecurity of being “too thin” followed me into my adult life for some time. I eventually accepted my body and decided that it functioned how it needed to and that was enough for me.

Flash forward to turning 25, experiencing second puberty, then being pregnant, postpartum, the whole lot. My body no longer is familiar to me in some ways, but it is still my body.

And now the pendulum has shifted. The newfound curves that I now carry from growing my child, and dragging myself along all that comes with that, are seen as undesirable in fashion and media.

I look around to see women who seem to be shrinking, and I worry. Do they feel how I felt coming home from middle school and begging my mom to be on weight gain medicine?

I do not speak of people who are on GLP-1 medications for health reasons, or who were recommended by a doctor, but I fear that this quick and reachable shrinking has long lasting effects. And not just out of public health concern, but that the stem of reaching towards this message of the superiority of unachievable thinness comes from a place where women are expected to be everything except what they are not.

This is not meant to be directed at any group in particular, but more the ideals that we are echoing as a society. I have seen multiple posts about the recent cyclospora parasite outbreak in the U.S. where women have teased, “well at least if I get it I will lose weight”. This should not be the end all be all goal of an able-bodied, healthy, and well person. Extreme thinness causes bone density issues, joint pain, hair loss, headaches, and more. And this fad thinness does not exist in a vacuum. It is clear that the physical shrinking of women has become heightened in a time where patriarchal ideals are a government priority. If you do not have the energy to speak out and fight back and push against oppressive thinking, why would you? Everything connects.

So I am trying to remember that my body is my refuge. My creating force. My weapon. And that societal trends on women’s bodies do not have to seep into my home. I have never once looked at a woman and thought about her weight. I think about her strength. How she uses her voice. And what she enjoys. And if she would like to be my friend. This is what should be echoing through the internet and world, especially from the mouths of women.

Let us continue to lift each other up, not comment on each other’s bodies (no matter the size), and reject any philosophy that says your body is not worthy of the most sacred entity on Earth. You.